Trigger Warning: depression and that such.
My sadness is a thing that is separate from me. It lives in a different apartment, sometimes in a different city or state or even country. It often stays there, weeks, months, even years at a time, living it’s own life and not progressing towards mine. In my early twenties it was my constant companion, my sadness and I slept, ate, and lived in the same space. It was, and probably always will be one of the hardest times in my life.
In the last year or so my sadness has come back to town and while it doesn’t live with me quite yet it has gotten disturbingly close. I would not be surprised to find out it lives just next door. One of the most interesting things about being an adult for me has been the ability to really understand my sadness and to see it coming. One of the most annoying things about being an adult is knowing I have to deal with it. So I am. I am doing tangible life things to remind the sadness that it is not invited to my life. That it is not welcome here.
This is all to leads to a couple things. First, we are all different and handle things differently but for me the sadness is not something to be ashamed of or to hide from. The sadness is, a real thing for me. If it is for you I hope knowing you are not alone helps. Second, I did the grown up thing and I went to talk to someone. It was the worst therapy of all time. I got talked at for 45 minutes about something I don’t do, I got drugs pushed on me 3 times, and I was given a bipolar handbook to, “track my moods.” (Just fyi, I am not bipolar, I have a host of things but this is not one of them.) Basically, I paid to be harassed. But I will try again because I understand the importance of good therapy and it is a piece of scaring away the sadness. But seriously, eff that lady.
Personal Stuffs: Mostly, as above, also I am super sick and working on fighting that.
Classroom Stuffs: I really like the way my text is introducing quadratics. I think it’s interesting and relatable.
Personal Change: I joined the gym this morning. As one does when they can’t breathe through their nose.
Classroom Change: Students are having troubling staying with the seating charts. I’m thinking about why that is and how to help them.
Reading: Still Zadie. Also I am listening to Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay. As soon as I get a physical copy I will be quoting the hell out of it. I loves it.
Watching: I watched most of An Honourable Woman this weekend. I am in love with Maggie Gyllenhal and the plot is fascinating.
Your assigned reading (actually lsitening): The new Kayne, Rihanna, Paul McCartney Song.