Authentic.

I read a lot of blogs.  Math blogs, fashion blogs, people blogs.  Pretty much anyone who can tell a story will get my attention.  There has been a lot of talk lately about how it can often seem from reading someone’s blog like their life is the best ever.  Like everyday they get dressed, look awesome, and have awesome days.  We all know this is not true.  No one has the best day every day.  I don’t think by reading my blog that you would think my job/life is perfect nor do I think I put up a shiny veenar of awesome on anything but if I do I’m going to dissuade you of that now:

I have been burnt out for the last month.  My teaching has been less than stellar I am not invested I don’t feel like I have enough time to take care of myself or my students and I am tired constantly.

I had a student ask why I wasn’t asking about them as much.  They actually thought I was mad at them.  I was just exhausted.

There was a week in there where I was told I looked tired about 25 times by really nice caring people.  Followed by the next week where people asked me if I was okay every hour on the hour.

I have no idea how to draw the line between social and anti-social.  When do I want to be by myself?  When am I missing out?  What time can I spend with friends that will make me feel good?  What will make me more tired? You know that feeling of being lonely and wanting to be left alone all at the same time? I feel that constantly.

Somedays I feel under appreciated then I realized that I have been a shoddy teacher recently and maybe that’s why.

I miss my family.  I miss the ocean.  While at the same time I can’t imagine being anywhere else but here.

I am 26 and I feel like there’s this big part of my life that is supposed to be starting and isn’t and I have no idea how to make it so.

I sometimes feel like there is so much negativity around me that if I complain at all I will drown in it.

On the flip side of all of this is that it is my first year teaching at an amazing school.  A school that will support me and wants me and appreciates me even when I am not sure about myself. I am in a really good place, I have some really good people and I am only 26.  There is so much time for my life to get going.  My dear friend, Elizabeth, got pink slipped this week and I got my contract for next year.  So I should really shut up but as I have said several times this year, we all have the downsides of our lives and sometimes you just have to get them out.

Elizabeth, I hated everyone who said this to me but it will be okay, maybe even better, also we have an English position open for next year if you want to move to New York (and teach English).

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6 thoughts on “Authentic.

  1. Anne, you speak words of truth and wisdom. I feel you on every single aspect. I’ve been working 7:30am-9:30pm some days, because of coaching and teaching an after-school class. I haven’t had new ideas, or the zest I started out with.
    BUT, I have to remind myself that I won’t be that “awesome” teacher I envision myself being in the future until I have taught for 5-7 years. I’m still figuring out how I feel about tardies, late work, disrespect, and all those management issues, and what kind of teacher I want to be there. Somedays I love teaching, and other days I hate it. But I’m so blessed to have a job, legs and arms that work, and good friends. I’m also blessed to have a church that feels like home, and a faith that reminds me of just how small my problems really are in the scheme of God’s plan for me.

    Be encouraged that you really ARE amazing, and the more we plug away at this, and wrestle with our weaknesses, the better we’ll become!

    Love you!
    Tim Woolston

  2. Oh honey, I totally agree with you. For me, the whole thing about reading blogs is that you think everyone you read who writes is the most amazing teacher who just works magic day after day after day. And for a long time, I felt like when I wrote about this or that I was a fraud – I was writing about the few good things, but not about the bad things or the overwhelming things or the massive amounts of stress or the lack of sleep. Or most importantly: the mundane classes I was (and still am…) producing day after day after day. (There are many reasons why I don’t post about the bad/mediocre/eh stuff, but that’s for another day.)

    So (a) I feel ya, (b) I get burned out in waves — a month of being burned out, a month of feeling invigorated… it’s just my M.O. and it’s been like this for years, and for me this is normal, and you’re not alone even if it isn’t exactly the same, and (c) being in a new place is hard because everything you were grounded by is gone and you’re reconfiguring EVERYTHING.

    Sometimes for me it just takes me saying at the start of the day: “I’m going to go into today with a positive attitude and see the good around me.” Sometimes it takes me saying: “Today my lesson sucked, so I’m not leaving school until I come up with something better tomorrow.” And sometimes it takes me saying: “School isn’t the only part of my life and I am going to be a better teacher if I stop treating it as it is, and put me first.” I don’t know if any of those things helps…

    But many hugs…

    xoxo,
    Sam

  3. “I don’t feel like I have enough time to take care of myself or my students and I am tired constantly.”

    “I am 26 and I feel like there’s this big part of my life that is supposed to be starting and isn’t and I have no idea how to make it so.”

    “I sometimes feel like there is so much negativity around me that if I complain at all I will drown in it.”

    EXACTLY.

    Why does it feel like being good at my job and being good at my life are two elements in direct competition with each other? Why does neither one leave me satisfied? And why do I feel guilty for feeling this way? I know I shouldn’t complain about my life – it is great.

    Except…..

  4. Nobody likes bloggers who go on and on about their seemingly perfect job and home life anyway 🙂 I’m old enough to have a kid in college, yet I’m still trying to re-write all the shity first drafts of my teaching and life. But your taking time to acknowledge the madness is wise and hopefully therapeutic in itself. Thanks for sharing this lovely post!

  5. I wish I could offer some words of encouragement, but I’m in my second year of teaching, and it hasn’t become much easier yet. During the week, I am dragging through each day, trying to deliver engaging lessons and wishing I had a life. On the weekends, I am optimistic about the week to come. It is an endless cycle, and I question its worth weighed against my extremely diminished quality of life. I have some tough decisions to make, but life is a journey……
    Hugs,
    Audrey (your cohort-mate from CSUSM)

  6. Thanks so much for sharing this with me over on MML. Reading this really helped me feel less alone today when I was not doing so hot. Thank you!

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